17 September 2009

Friable

Easily crumbled or crushed into powder. It’s how I’m feeling these days. I don’t think I’m toxic, as in friable asbestos, but I’m certainly frayed around the edges, and in need of binding. Or a new hem.

I don’t know why. Could be that it’s getting darker earlier. Could be that I keep getting calendar reminders that my mother’s birthday is – would be? – next week. Could be that the child is pushing all of my buttons. Could be that I’m just worried.

Sunday, we headed off in the car for an adventure – lunch and a garden tour. We hadn’t even gotten to the bottom of our street when the kid burst into hysterics and wailed that she wanted to go home. Naturally, I kept driving. She continued to sob, her father started to glower, and I wanted to leave the two of them on the side of the highway to walk home. As we pulled into the iconic roadside attraction hamburger joint for lunch, she sniffed and asked for a Coke – and perked right up when I said yes. A Coke, some chicken nuggets and a ride on the 50¢ helicopter and she was right as rain.

Like everyone else I know, I’m kind of worried about money. My husband has been out of work since April – not because he was laid off, but because he’s gone blind in one eye. When it first happened, he was told that there was a good chance that the vision that spontaneously disappeared would spontaneously return. It’s now been nearly six months, and there’s been no change. He received short term disability for a while, but that ran out, and the process of filing for long term disability is deeply convoluted and increasingly attenuated. So, we’re short a salary, and we’re paying more for health insurance, and there are property taxes and mortgages and bills bills bills to be paid, and the girlie needs new shoes. On top of the worry brought on by the eye problems and attendant absence of cash is the fact that I was hoping, dearly and not unreasonably hoping, that his job was going to morph into the kind of wonderful that would allow me to quit mine and find something part time and close to home. Alas, that wasn’t meant to be. And I shouldn’t whine – I do have a job after all, and we do have health insurance, and we do have a roof over our heads.

But I’m tired, and on Sunday, after we got home from our salvaged outing, I was struck by a palpable feeling of not rightness, a physical manifestation of whatever dark cloud is sitting on my soul right now. If you look at me sideways, I’ll burst into tears. I turned off my alarm this morning, and forgot to get up. I'm waylaid by inertia and I'm cranky to a fare-thee-well.

Do tell me that this too shall pass.

39 comments:

kathy a. said...

yes, yes -- of course it will get better! there are some times in life that just suck, and you are in one of them.

it was not so very long ago that you lost moky. the first year, things are so fresh, the grief can well up out of nowhere. i did not know that your husband also lost his vision and his job about the same time. who would not be at wit's end, with those two huge transitions, and working and raising a child?

it's OK to feel whatever you are feeling; it's OK to be gentle on yourself. i hope you can sneak some opportunities to do what makes you feel better. xoxo

Life As I Know It said...

Oh, my dear, I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. You DO have a lot on your plate so let yourself feel crappy and mad and stressed if that's how you feel.
And, yes, this too shall pass. Such is life...lean on those who love you and those you love.
Thinking good thoughts for you.

slouchy said...

aw, shit, maggie, i'm sorry i haven't been around lately. and i'm sorry that all this is going on at once.

this too shall pass?

sigh.

RuthWells said...

Oh, crap. That's an awful lot to be dealing with all at once. Yes, it will pass. Be gentle to yourself while it gets there.

daysgoby said...

Oh, sweetheart. What a lot at once!

We just came off a year much like that - and while it took it's own sweet time, I can say now that this will pass, M.

It's really not fun while it does, though!

Best thoughts to you -
Jess

Kelly said...

Like all things that suck, this too shall pass, although it feels like it never will.

de said...

Sheesh, girl. When we met in July, I was seriously wondering how you were keeping it all together with all that going on. So you made it weeks past the point at which I would have thrown the clock across the room and pulled the covers over my head.

I'm sorry your woes are not the sort that can be chased away by a cheeseburger & milkshake, but shake them loose you will. Monday looks like a bright and beautiful September day. I hope you can play hooky.

Life in Eden said...

It must be in the water. I've been feeling this way too lately. Suddenly there are just moments I want to burst into tears. Others I'm losing it at the 6-year-old, screaming my head off. I think it can be especially hard for accomplished women to feel like they are losing their shit (does that sound pompous? i don't know).

Anyway, you have much more on your plate than I really do -- it is understandable that you feel friable. Funny, that is a word we used in pathology often to describe disease-ridden tissue. Sorry, that's off-topic isn't it? Anyway, life is often riddle with holes -- soon you will find a smooth road again. I believe it.

Rachel said...

Yes, it'll pass.

hope it does sooner rather than later.

Anjali said...

I'm sorry you're missing your mommy, and that you have so much on your plate. But these things come in waves, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed yours will be a lighter load soon.

Mental P Mama said...

Well don't look at me...two friends made that mistake today. It will be well I feel it for you. And I feel it for me. Hugs.

S. said...

Friable is one of my favorite words this time of year, even without markers of grief and the stress of a major financial adjustment. Courage, Magpie. It will pass,

Aunt Becky said...

These things always pass. I've weathered more storms than you can imagine and they always pass eventually. You may feel beaten, Magpie, but you'll never, ever be broken. I promise.

xoxo.

Love to you. The Daver sends his as well.

Kyddryn said...

Aww, sugar...this too shall pass. No, really. You're not alone. Breathe...in and out. Oxygen is your friend.

Also, thank you - your package arrived a few days ago and cheered me right the heck up...

Is there something I can send you that would be even a little cheering? How does one mail a hug?

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who's almost always online, if you need someone to talk to...)

flutter said...

it will, I promise.

the queen said...

You are supposed to feel bad out of respect to your mother. It helps to know whats triggering it. It will be a bad year, and it is supposed to be.

FreshHell said...

There does seem to be a big dark cloud over many people these days. I'm awfully sorry to hear about your husband - that's a strain right there. I think all those issues point to the reason for your depression and the fact that there seems to be no end in sight, that life has taken the wrong detour. Perhaps seeing a counselor - some one to vent in front of - would help? It helps me. Doesn't necessarily solve any problems but I'm less nasty to the people I share a house with. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.

YourFireAnt said...

Oh, dear, you never know when the sorrow will come back and bite you in the butt. My heart goes out to you, Maggie. It's so damned hard to go without your mother. And it never stops being there, that sorrow. Keep breathing.

T.

AnnetteK said...

It will, it has too. I think many of us are feeling it, and I sooo want it to go away.

Bibliomama said...

Ugh. You have a perfect right to your friability. Cry if you want to. I wish you well.

susan said...

Yes, yes, yes, it will all pass--your creativity, your ingenuity, your big heart and big imagination will find ways to cope with whatever will be. But in the moment: it's hard to mourn a mother, it's hard to deal with medical bureacracy, hard to deal with a new chronic med condition. Wrap yourself in the love of your friends and family and give yourself space to cry and be sad. You'll get through.

painted maypole said...

This too shall pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later, and be replaced by something wonderful and soothing.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband. How terribly frustrating. My husband went spontaneously and completely blind (back before I met him) for several months, and then his sight returned. It was some wacky virus, I guess. i wasn't around for it, but have heard the stories.

nonlineargirl said...

With different details, I completely relate to the feeling you express. I feel a lot like a 4 year old - I am fine as long as everything goes along as planned, but the moment anything is off, I am completely out of sorts. Your not-rightness feeling will pass (as will the causes) but I am sympathetic to the feeling nonetheless.

mayberry said...

It will pass, surely it will. I am your sister in cranky, like so many others. It doesn't take much for me to LOSE IT.

It sounds like we all need a (free) vacation.

Jennifer (ponderosa) said...

As I was scanning the comments I kept thinking of that Monty Python Holy Grail skit when the Black Knight intones, "NOOOOOONE SHALL PASS!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjEcj8KpuJw&feature=related

(I hope you're not offended -- a good laugh always helps : )

Winter's coming -- the darkness is coming -- and these are hard times, there's no diminishing that. Hold up. We're here with you!

Kyla said...

It shall pass. Even the worst shit storms eventually pass, right?

We all worry about the same things, but at certain times, for some of us, the burden seems so much heavier.

Woman in a Window said...

It will,in a day or in a moment with no reason whatsoever. And then all of the rest will settle, as well. In the meantime big old bearish Canadian hugs.
xo
erin

Ree said...

Oh honey. {{{hugs}}} I had no idea.

XXXOOO

Debbie said...

I'll sure tell you that I will hold your dear family in my prayers. And I also feel you have a phenomenal inner strength that will see you through this trying period.

heidi said...

yes, it will pass. Mercury is retrograde in ur-anus, and due to be direct by the end of the month. Things will get better, they just HAVE to.
xoh
p.s...had a nice chat with Mr. Wood this morning at the farmer's mkt. That sounds funny, but it was lovely. Who doesn't need a chat with Mr. Wood every once in a while??

Stimey said...

This too shall pass. But knowing that sometimes doesn't make it feel better in the moment. Hang in there, friend. Hugs to you.

The LIbrary Lady said...

I get this. I wish I didn't.
And I'm thinking good thoughts for you and yours.

Maggie May said...

we are in the same fragile boat.

if you fall in remember the immortal words of Dory, the fish, ' just keep swimmng, swimming, swimming '

Gwen said...

So it's going around. I'm sorry.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I'm fond of Scarlett O'Hara's sentiment that tomorrow is another day. It's gotten me through some dark days.

I hope things start looking up on the financial front.

Dora said...

It will pass. All things do.

Even though we're weepy for different reasons, a tea date might help. Let me know.

Thinking of you.

Aurelia said...

I don't know why I didn't really get this when I first read it, but I didn't.

I'm so sorry about this. Soooo, I'll just jump in. My husband has MS, and he has gone blind in one eye on more than one occasion. And it comes back. But in the meantime, he has found ways to work and be on the computer, using speech to text and various programs. So it might be that your husband can't ever do that, but I thought I'd mention it just to say that there is hope.

And if you ever want to chat, or commiserate, or whatever, I'm happy to lend an ear.

julochka said...

i have totally had this feeling of late. i think it's a september thing. mine cleared with an hour in a wonderful art museum on a wednesday when it happened to be free to get in. :-)

alejna said...

Hi, Magpie--

I'm just working my way through my unread feeds, and didn't want to let this one of yours go uncommented. (Yes, that's not really a word. I guess I didn't want to let this one go cylindered, either for that matter.)

What a lot you've had going on. So much stress. As a chronic worrier, I really empathize.

Anyhow, I hope that you are feeling a bit less friable now. It's such an uncomfortable way to feel.