29 January 2008

Dikfore

My mother is still there. Still sitting around in cold hallways for tests. Still no answers from anyone. Still eating terrible hospital food. Still bored. Tonight will be her third night in the hospital.

While we were waiting in the ER the other day, I remembered a tale once told me by my boss. He was in the hospital for something - long before I met him - and claims to have been abandoned by the nurses. He got out of bed, marched up to the nursing station with his ass hanging out of his hospital gown, and shouted "Who do you have to fuck to get an enema around here?" I relayed this to her, thinking it might be a way to get some action, but it's not quite her style.

Enough about my mother. My boss is a major character, and we had a couple of priceless go-rounds today.

I was in his office this morning, having one of those random conversations that required several trips to the dictionary. First we had to look up "bob", to see if "plumb bob" was one of the definitions (I thought it might only be a plumb bob if the plumb preceded the bob). Then we had to look up "knurled" because he had never heard that word and the afore-mentioned plumb bob had a knurled knob on the end (actually, there were two plumb bobs on his desk - he seems to be collecting them). And then we had to look up "poofta" (or "pufta" or "poufter" or however you want to spell it). I can't remember who I was talking about, but I called someone a poofta and he claimed to have never heard the word. Given that he's been involved in dance in NYC for fifty years, and avoided the draft by claiming to be gay, I was quite surprised. And then, poofta wasn't in the dictionary we were using. I guess we should have hauled out the compact OED, but the type is too damned small.

Later, I googled it. Urban Dictionary came through with a couple of different spellings, so I printed one of the pages out to show to him. The next time I saw him, I handed him the printed page. He went immediately to the Google ad photo on the page - which I hadn't even noticed - and said to me, completely guilelessly, "What's a dick for?" I was hysterical, convulsed with laughter, and he was clueless.

You have to understand, this is a potty-mouthed man once succinctly defined as an "impish motherfucker".

After I recovered my composure, I said to him: "I don't think it's up to me to tell you what a dick is for."

Maybe he's losing his edge.

21 comments:

slouching mom said...

With interactions like that, you must enjoy going to work every day! Heh.

On a more somber note, you know that I know what the understaffed hospital of today is like. Frankly, I found it appalling.

Your mother is still very much in my thought. I hope she's improving.

slouching mom said...

that's 'thoughts.'

Victoria said...

Okay, my (annoying, tonight) husband was just reading over my shoulder and, seeing your post title asked:

"What's a DYKE for??" Apparently he pronounces it with a long I.

Nice.

Your mother is in my thoughts. And you as well. (Dykes, though, are apparently in my husband's thoughts...).

Take care.

Julia said...

You almost made me pee my pants. I should remember to go before opening your blog.

Wishing your mom a quick resolution and a return to the comforts of home.

kathy a. said...

if your mom has any problems at all with hospital staff, you and bossman need to jump in and just do what you do. that'll get some action! bring dr. google. what a team!

poor mom. hope she is feeling better and that they are figuring this out. if she has to stay in any longer, you MUST decorate her room and spoil her mercilessly.

alejna said...

Ah, the dikfore story made me chuckle. Your boss does sound like a character.

I hope your mother gets some answers, gets home, and gets some decent food.

Ophelia Rising said...

FUNNY! You really got him, there.

Hope your Mom doesn't have to be there for too much longer, and that you get some answers soon. I'm thinking of you.

the mama bird diaries said...

Oh my god. I just laughed outloud at that enema comment. And I generally don't do a lot of laughing when it comes to enemas.

Wishing your a mom well and hoping she gets out of there SOON.

Mayberry said...

I had to go look up knurled (although I think I know what a dick is for).

Here's hoping Moky is freed tomorrow!

Don Mills Diva said...

Hope your mom gets out of there soon - she might have to raise hell first though.

jen said...

i am thinking of your mom, love.

and you get points for making me say what's dikfor? out loud a couple times while reading your post till J looked at me like i was a moron. good one, there.

painted maypole said...

ah... all in a day's work, huh? ;)

Melanie said...

I hate hospitals. It's a shame you don't actually have the Dikfore shirt. I'm thinking it would be fun for passing time.

Best wishes for you and your mother.

ozma said...

I'm sorry to hear your mother is still there. I hope she is out soon.

I like the story about your boss.

katiez said...

I'm sorry your mother is still in prison...
and you should be sorry you made me spew coffee all over my keyboard...

Julie Pippert said...

Do you carry spare undies to work?

I'm just wondering, with conversations like that. I'd need some. ;)

(Here's to hoping your mom gets good care and treatment SOON!)

MadMad said...

Oh, that's too funny! (Except the part about your mom, of course - I hope the tests get done, and she's back home and comfortable soon!)

Denguy said...

Your boss honestly didn't get that one?
Honestly?

nutmeg said...

I can promise you I will be borrowing the enima line in my old age!

pootandcubby said...

I wish my boss was that much fun!

I hope your mama is out of the hospital soon...

-andi

Library Lady said...

Obviously your boss in not a Monty Python fan and has never seen the infamous "Bruce" sketch! He does sound fun though...

Best wishes for your mom. Know how it is--my dad has spent far, far too much time in hospitals over the last decade.