Once again, we are looking to hire someone at my place of employment. Once again, we roll our eyes at some of the letters and résumés. I am torn between offering these gems with snarky commentary, or letting them speak for themselves. [I can't resist.]
I am seeking a job in a non-for-profit where I could participate in the development of projects that help people's development.
[Nice use of development twice, but what does it mean? Also, it's either non-profit, or not-for-profit, not a hybrid.]
I am sedulous in arts advancement, theatre and dance educated, office experienced individual looking to obtain a position in a stable environment utilizing my education and past experience in a role where I can feel good about the work that I am doing and develop my skills and experience.
[My head hurts trying to unpack that sedulous sentence.]
SKILLS
• I have travelled to Canada, France, Monaco, Italy, Germany, England, Austria, Croatia, Bosnia Herzegovina and Czech Republic.
[Is travelling a skill? Maybe for a roadie.]
• I also have years of office work experience.
[But what skills do you have?]
I hope that you will give me this amazing opportunity that I have been hoping to achieve.
[I fear that we will be dashing your hopes of achievement.]
I have experience in speaking on the phone.
[Don't we all?]
Some like to think of themselves as out-of-the-box thinkers, I prefer to think of myself as able to make origami out of the box.
[Truth be told, I love this.]
SKILLS
• College Graduate
[This is a skill?]
• Fluent in English
[Okay, this is a skill.]
Helped raise over $5,000 independently to dance and did not sit or sleep for 46 hours in connection with the world’s largest school-wide philanthropy efforts to raise over $6.6 million for pediatric cancer.
["Independently to dance"? Stayed up for two days?]
INTERESTS
• Electric bass and vintage mopeds
[Okay, this is pretty adorable too.]
Seeking Program Development, Coordination, and Administration especially in a people-oriented organizations where there is a need to assure broad cooperative effort through the use of sound planning, strong administration, skills of persuasion to achieve goals.
[Word soup.]
PERSONAL DATA
Age : 63 Height: 5’ 10” Weight: 240lbs Hair: A little Eyes: Brown
[But what color is your thinning hair? No, scratch that, I don't care about any of that personal data and I wish you'd left it off of your résumé because we are not casting a TV commercial or Broadway show.]
I consider myself one of those lucky people who were born with a split personality- not in the clinical-crazy sense, but in that I am capable of adapting easily between being wacky and creative, and incredibly organized.
[Wacky. Wacky!]